"I am not impress. It's a pathetic performance. A lot of Crash don't care."
Sports parodies aside, Gunz and I really fucked up a good opportunity. It's depressing to look back on, but as promised here's a detailed look at Team Crash's running of Day 2 of the Most Amazing Race in Pittsburgh. We couldn't carry a camera nor would I have had time to take pictures anyway... I will try to snag pictures that photographers were taking later.
Day 2,
9 AM:
Team Crash had checked in at the Town Square outside of REI. We made adjustments to our camel packs etc to make sure we wouldn't have any hinderances of our gear. We also got a few jeers from our competitors for our warm-up procedure: a little throwback to EFXC by taking a warm-up lap then thoroughly stretching. They may have mocked it then but everyone was going to be hurting later. We crammed what little food we could into our packs before we got inspected for contraband items, which was basically everything but water, snacks, and one cell phone wrapped completely in plastic and duct tape that could only be used in an emergency. It was about to begin...
9:30 AM:
All teams were lined up in order outside the doors of REI to begin in 1 minute intervals. Fuck, those 18 minutes were going to be an eternity. I was trying to psyche myself up because who the hell knew what we were about to get into.
9:48 AM
Challenge 1:
As soon as your team was given the start signal, you entered the REI store and 1 member was to attempt to retrieve the first clue from the top of a climbing wall. Gunz took on this task being the better climber (let's face it I'm a scrawney piece of shit) and me as the better guide stood below and called his foot holds up to him. In just under a minute he finished the route and threw the clue down. As he rappelled down I tore the clue open to make our way to the next challenge.
9:Idon'tknowthetimeofanythingelsebecausewecouldn'thavecellphonesandIdon'twearwatches AM:
Challenge 2:
We were given a map, some directions, and the command to report to the parking lot behind the store. There we retrieved a bike that was to be returned to a bike rental outfitter... on First freakin' Avenue. Although the challenge seems at first to be riding the bike, we quickly realized that the biking would be a huge rest as the other teammate had to run alongside. I volunteered to take the bulk of the foot travel at first since Gunz had just made a quick climb and earned a break. As we crossed the Hot Metal Bridge to get to the Eliza Furnace Trail which would lead us to the Golden Triangle, we realized this was a great opportunity to make up that initial 18 minute disadvantage. And you better fucking believe we did. I was able to hold a running pace a little over halfway as we picked up quite a few positions before beginning to alternate on the bike for the last bit of distance. The bike outfitter couldn't come soon enough!
Challenge 3:
Upon returning the bike we were given the clue to our next challenge: report to the Art Institute on the Boulevard of the Allies. Luckily I knew where this was, I stood right by it in June for the Stanley Cup Parade... Flashback:
God I love being rewarded for my dedication as a fan. Once inside we had our choice between 2 challenges: solve some weird-ass puzzle by looking at various works of art in a gallery or head into a studio to create artwork to be judged for quality. Gunz insisted that we go for the puzzle, having faith in my hobby of solving puzzles but I asked him to trust me and let me rely on an old skill I haven't done in quite awhile. I was relieved to be given materials for sketching once we were in the studio since that was always my best medium when I used to practice art. My mission was to throughly sketch Gunz in a goofy pose from head to toe. I would say I did pretty damn good as my sweat dripped onto my canvas. The judges were impressed and gave us our next clue.Challenge 4:
It was a challenge I predicted way in advance: Team Crash was instructed to report to Kayak Pittsburgh where one member of the team would be required to do some paddling. I knew exactly where the kayaks were... I used it as a take-out point when I canoed into downtown from Kittaning over the summer. And I was good to go in the kayak since I had been beating up Kovachu's Old Town Otter in the Clarion whitewater for months... not to mention watersports is my area of expertise as an outdoor guide afterall...
<- Otter Crotch Rapid of Toby Creek, Jul. 09Challenge 5:
We were being tested for our knowledge of Pittsburgh sports and our intelligence, of which Gunz has neither. Sorry dude. It took a minute but the answer hit me: we were to report to "Gate D," the last remainder of Three Rivers Stadium just down the river near Heinz Field. We ran along the North Shore but quickly encountered our first error of the day. Expecting some complex puzzle or task to await us, we searched for the clue like when you're 10 and you can't find your last fucking Easter egg before church. You know exactly what I mean. Turns out all we had to do is approach a dude sitting on a wall who was holding the clues. Fuck. We got passed by a shitload of teams because were too stupid to figure that out. Whatev.
Challenge 6:
We had taken a hit but it wasn't horrid, and the next challenge was physical enough that we could gain an advantage again. The task? Run 3ish miles up the bike trail and cross over Washington's Landing to Herr's Island, where we would report to the Three Rivers Rowing Association to row for a distance of 5k. As we jogged (at a seriously afflicted pace now) upstream I tried to calculate the amount of time the task would take us based on my knowledge of the river's speed, depth, and my tandem pace in a boat that size at a distance of 3.1 miles. Stop calling me a nerd in your head now, I'm a fucking canoe guide. Just as we approached the bridge, the first place team blew past us. ARE YOU SERIOUS?? No matter, we got onto the island and asked several cute girls at an outdoor bar where the Rowing Association was. They were so friendly/attractive it was hard not to stay there. But alas, duty calls. Two more teams sat in the grass nearby recovering from the rowing challenge... pansies, right? We careened into the Rowing Assoc only to find that my calculations meant nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, here was the most grueling task of the day: we were to row a total of 5k on a rowing machine, not on the water. Trying to get this done was brutal but luckily we were to use one machine and could make it a relay as we saw fit. Gunz being far superior when it comes to upper body strength took three 1,000 meter legs while I took on two, which we alternated. We used the opportunity to chug down shittons of water and grab a light snack while not rowing. Sweat rolled down my face like I was back in the steam tunnels under Cleveland with Sparky but I was not breaking my fucking pace... between the two of us we were once again making up ground. I counted 5 teams on the rowing machines before we started, which put us at about 9th coming in. We beat 3 of them out and grabbed our clue.
Challenge 7:
No fucking wonder those teams were chilling in the grass when we were going in. We had to run all the back to PNC Park... are you fucking kidding me? Now we were the pansies trying to recover outside. We stretched out and walked back to the bridge, again resisting the temptations of the cute girls at the outdoor bar who had now progressed to flirting with us as we passed through. Sigh. As we crossed back to the North Shore we realized one of the teams we had passed up in the rowing challenge was right freaking behind us. We turned back to see two youngish girls clad in pink uniforms: Team Terracotta. Huh. We travelled as a foursome for a little ways, even considering joining forces a bit. If nothing else, they made for good company and were pretty damn cute to boot. But again duty calls... we had to resume a running pace if we were ever to catch up on the handful of teams ahead of us. Gunz noted that the race was "killing our game" as we once again abandoned chatting with come cute girls. As we reached PNC Park, now abuzz with a Pirates game, we reported to the Statue of Roberto Clemente where an umpire judged our next challenge: finally something not physical or mental. Gunz and I both stood atop a home plate and belted out "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" without a single error (had we messed up one word we would have been forced to start over.) We were more effective than the slumping Buccos themselves as we were pretty damn entusiastic in front of huge crowds heading into the Left Field Gates. We took off running with our new clue in hand...
Funny, the last time I was at this statue I had a whole lot more cargo...
Kittaning to Pgh Canoe trip, Aug. 09 ->
Challenge 8:
Things were getting complicated. We were in the top 10 of the running but we knew were far from the leaders. This next challenge could make or break us. We had to run through the North Side in search of a Giant Eagle to do some grocery shopping... not exactly in either of our skill sets. Along the way I decoded the scrambled grocery list, tore it in half, and split up in the store. Why hello there, eleventy billion other teams that we just caught up to and caught us. Within the giant clusterfuck half of the necessary items sold out. Or had they? Some of them were conveniently out of place... no doubt the work of the same fuckers that unplugged the photo booth the night before. Cheating in a charity race? Really? With the necessities in hand we checked out with the gift cards we were provided (remember: items like money were not allowed on us.) I think a few teams beat us outta there but whatev, my mom still buys my food for me and sends it to Clarion so I was clueless how this whole process worked. We hauled the bagged groceries about 12 blocks further up the North Side to a Salvation Army shelter to be inspected. We went in and there was no sign of anyone anywhere. We were frustrated as our precious time was being wasted, only to find out nearly 10 minutes later we went in the wrong door. Shit.
Well at least our mistake had been corrected and we could soon be on our way, right? Nope.
When they inspected our shit they noticed an error on our part... we were a fucking pound of rice short. No exceptions, we were told, and return to Giant Eagle would be required. Well, no need to tire us both out, eh? Gunz was out gas-- after watching him tank through that rowing challenge its no surprise-- so I volunteered to make the trip solo. I realized that our original route was techinically longer than it could be since we had to go about 6 blocks north then 6 blocks west... a straight line (well, a diagonal here) would be the shortest distance. So I cut through a parking lot... then a park... then fuck it I started leaping my way through people's backyards n'at. I made awesome time and before ya know it I was back in Giant Eagle, gift card in hand. Rice, rice, rice, where's the rice? The influx of rice purchases from the race left them with nothing but a 5 pound bag... a whole lot more than the 1 pound I needed. But I didn't have much choice, did I? I was crossing my fingers in the check out line in hopes there would be enough balance on the gift card to cover 5 pounds. Nope. I had no money of course so I turned to the guy behind me and in the sincerest voice I could muster at this point I asked if he would be interested in donating to the Salvation Army. Amused by my situation, he agreed and covered the bill. I thanked him quickly and again took off running through the yards of the North Side with 5 fucking pounds of rice slung under my arm. This is getting ridiculous. Back at the shelter, Gunz was smart enough to plot a bit of a bus route to take on my return. They also provided a lunch there that I never got to partake in. Insert sad face here. Make no mistake, this was a huge blunder. I had minimized the impact as best I could but when we were given our next clue we learned where we had fallen to: 18th. Fucking 18th, the spot we started in. Those 12 places we had gained had now been squandered.
Challenge 9:
Discouraged yet still determined, we booked it out the doors to the closest bus stop as several of our competitors were already boarding... we barely made it before the bus took off, much to the frustration of those other teams. HAH we needed a lucky break now, and the bus created a bit of an equalizer. We had to head back to the Golden Triangle where we could hop on the T (Pittsburgh's subway) and ride it to the end of the line, a 30 minute trek to South Hills Village. By the time we hit the T outbound, we were among a cluster of 4 teams, one of which was our old friends from Day 1, the Lumberjacks who thankfully provided me a couple snacks they had in their packs since I had missed the lunch stop. If you girls are reading this, thank you!! We had a half hour to chat with our competitors. When we disembarked our only instructions were to find a man in a dark suit with a briefcase somewhere within the station. A lot harder than it sounds! The Lumberjacks were following us. We were all a bit disoriented but just as we stepped outside I heard one of the other teams yell from the 2nd floor of the parking garage. I saw a spot where we could jump the wall and me and Gunz had no hesitation to do so, and I saw the target of our rendezvous ahead. I guess I owed the Lumberjacks a favor for the food, so we helped them over the wall too. I tried to approach the man quietly so that the 4th team would remain unaware but one of the Lumberjack girls yelled aloud and the 4th team, hearing the call, came running. All 4 teams made it on the next train back to Station Square, the site of the next challenge.
NOTE TO READER:
Hey the challenges get short from here! Keep readin, bitch!
Challenge 10:
The next challenge would be at Bessemer Court, site of a pretty cool fountain. The task was a mental puzzle... yet one I knew well. With a 3 gallon bucket and a 5 gallon bucket, we were to fill up exactly 4 gallons of water. Try and figure it out if you don't know it. When I helped teach a freshmen level public speaking course, we gave the same puzzle to students to assess their group communication skills. I hauled ass out of the doors of the T to be the first one at the fountain. We screwed up puring the buckets the first time and one team, a guy and his father, finished just before us. Otherwise we made it pretty damn quick and were given the clue.
Challenge 11:
"Find a Fedex truck parked in Station Square... where the hell would we even start to loo- oh it's right there!" The target location was already in sight and we freakin sprinted to this truck, where we jumped into the back to locate a package addressed to our team. Thank you Mr. Fedex Driver for including a shitload of decoy boxes as well. Asshole. I made the discovery after a brief search and tossed the box to the driver for verification and he tossed it back with our next clue.
Challenge 12:
Deliver the box to the address on the label? I feel so used. It wasn't so much an address as it was a location: the Grandview Overlook atop Mt Washington. We darted through traffic to cross Carson Street and board the Mon Incline... but with it being a busy Saturday afternoon the damn thing was filled with toursits. We had a long wait that allowed 2 of the 3 teams in our "pack" to snag a ride at the same time as us. Bleh, we were going to have to rely on our running to break away I guess. At the top we ran hard down Grandview Avenue dodging the crowds of tourists to make our special delivery and be assigned our next challenge.
Challenge 13:
A photographer awaited our delivery and we were instructed to open our package. Haha package... we had to dress in every garment provided in the parcel. A dress and a cowboy hat? I feel like a freshmen being hazed on the high school soccer team all over again. We had our picture taken in drag in front of the brilliant views of Pittsburgh to gain our next clue.
Challenge 14:
The last thing I wanted the next challenge to say was stay in those clothes, but sure enough it was the first sentence of the clue. We had to find a Salvation Army truck parked at the corner of Carson and 10th on the Southside where they'd give us one of those classic red pales and a bell that the Salvation Army officers uses to raise money. You know the ones outside shopping malls around Christmas? We had to do that... on Carson Street... on a Saturday evening... after going down the incline and running 12 blocks from Station Square... IN DRAG. In freaking drag! Being taken seriously while cross-dressing was certainly going to be a challenge. We broke away from the other 2 teams (the Lumberjacks had long since disappeared from our foursome) by running most of the way. It took quite awhile but we started doing well when we figured out who to target: old couples and packs of hot chicks. You'd think the latter wouldn't work at all but I guess they figured our confidence earned us a couple of their bucks they woulda otherwised used to get plastered in a bar and get felt up and essentially raped by tool bags as they puked on their nice new dresses later that night on the Southside. It's like we did two good deeds at once! 20 bucks was the treshold and we hit it.
Challenge 15:
Head back to Southside Works for the next challenge... that's freakin far!! We were both outta juice... we ran only a few of the 15ish blocks we had to cover but hey at least we weren't in drag. Gunz and I went back to our treehouse days of elementary school for this one. We were given a craptastic kit from Home Depot to build a bench to be used in some park somewhere or something. Whatever now we're just the Salavation Army's bitches. We assembled that chickenshit as fast as we could, and although we came damn close to passing another team in the process, we didn't gain nor lose any ground here.
5:30 PM
Challenge 16:
The final challenge that isn't challenging at all!! Run to the Town Square in front of the Cheesecake Factory and cross the finish line. Is it bad I was more interested in getting some cheesecake than I was in finishing the race at this point? But alas, finish we did.
Day 1 Start: 18th
Day 2 Start: 18th
Day 2 High: 7th
FINAL RESULT: 14th
Depressing, no? After we finshed I ran back into the rather attractive Team Terracotta again to learn that they finished 10th. Considering we had been ahead of them over halfway through the race, I'm certain that minus the Great War of One Pound of Rice we would have easily cleared into the Top 10... take out the fuck up down at "Gate-D" too and who knows?
But all in all it was an incredibly challenging yet incredibly FUN experience. It was truly a blast, and we will surely be training hard for next year as well as the Urban Dare and the Warren Great Race. Oh yeah, we're like turning pro with this shit. The good folks at Grass Roots Racing also invited us to start joining in their adventure races, noting that their more attuned to our skills like running and paddling. Perhaps!
I would like to thank Gunz for kicking some major ass, and also thank everyone who sponsored our team. Too many family and friends to even mention! Also a huge thanks goes out to the Salvation Army and all associated parties for putting together one hell of an adventure.
If Team Terracotta or the Lumberjacks are out there reading this, say hello!! It was nice meeting all of you out on the race course, wish we had more time to chat.
Here's to our future victory.
Tally-ho!
-Crash
Things were getting complicated. We were in the top 10 of the running but we knew were far from the leaders. This next challenge could make or break us. We had to run through the North Side in search of a Giant Eagle to do some grocery shopping... not exactly in either of our skill sets. Along the way I decoded the scrambled grocery list, tore it in half, and split up in the store. Why hello there, eleventy billion other teams that we just caught up to and caught us. Within the giant clusterfuck half of the necessary items sold out. Or had they? Some of them were conveniently out of place... no doubt the work of the same fuckers that unplugged the photo booth the night before. Cheating in a charity race? Really? With the necessities in hand we checked out with the gift cards we were provided (remember: items like money were not allowed on us.) I think a few teams beat us outta there but whatev, my mom still buys my food for me and sends it to Clarion so I was clueless how this whole process worked. We hauled the bagged groceries about 12 blocks further up the North Side to a Salvation Army shelter to be inspected. We went in and there was no sign of anyone anywhere. We were frustrated as our precious time was being wasted, only to find out nearly 10 minutes later we went in the wrong door. Shit.
Well at least our mistake had been corrected and we could soon be on our way, right? Nope.
When they inspected our shit they noticed an error on our part... we were a fucking pound of rice short. No exceptions, we were told, and return to Giant Eagle would be required. Well, no need to tire us both out, eh? Gunz was out gas-- after watching him tank through that rowing challenge its no surprise-- so I volunteered to make the trip solo. I realized that our original route was techinically longer than it could be since we had to go about 6 blocks north then 6 blocks west... a straight line (well, a diagonal here) would be the shortest distance. So I cut through a parking lot... then a park... then fuck it I started leaping my way through people's backyards n'at. I made awesome time and before ya know it I was back in Giant Eagle, gift card in hand. Rice, rice, rice, where's the rice? The influx of rice purchases from the race left them with nothing but a 5 pound bag... a whole lot more than the 1 pound I needed. But I didn't have much choice, did I? I was crossing my fingers in the check out line in hopes there would be enough balance on the gift card to cover 5 pounds. Nope. I had no money of course so I turned to the guy behind me and in the sincerest voice I could muster at this point I asked if he would be interested in donating to the Salvation Army. Amused by my situation, he agreed and covered the bill. I thanked him quickly and again took off running through the yards of the North Side with 5 fucking pounds of rice slung under my arm. This is getting ridiculous. Back at the shelter, Gunz was smart enough to plot a bit of a bus route to take on my return. They also provided a lunch there that I never got to partake in. Insert sad face here. Make no mistake, this was a huge blunder. I had minimized the impact as best I could but when we were given our next clue we learned where we had fallen to: 18th. Fucking 18th, the spot we started in. Those 12 places we had gained had now been squandered.
Challenge 9:
Discouraged yet still determined, we booked it out the doors to the closest bus stop as several of our competitors were already boarding... we barely made it before the bus took off, much to the frustration of those other teams. HAH we needed a lucky break now, and the bus created a bit of an equalizer. We had to head back to the Golden Triangle where we could hop on the T (Pittsburgh's subway) and ride it to the end of the line, a 30 minute trek to South Hills Village. By the time we hit the T outbound, we were among a cluster of 4 teams, one of which was our old friends from Day 1, the Lumberjacks who thankfully provided me a couple snacks they had in their packs since I had missed the lunch stop. If you girls are reading this, thank you!! We had a half hour to chat with our competitors. When we disembarked our only instructions were to find a man in a dark suit with a briefcase somewhere within the station. A lot harder than it sounds! The Lumberjacks were following us. We were all a bit disoriented but just as we stepped outside I heard one of the other teams yell from the 2nd floor of the parking garage. I saw a spot where we could jump the wall and me and Gunz had no hesitation to do so, and I saw the target of our rendezvous ahead. I guess I owed the Lumberjacks a favor for the food, so we helped them over the wall too. I tried to approach the man quietly so that the 4th team would remain unaware but one of the Lumberjack girls yelled aloud and the 4th team, hearing the call, came running. All 4 teams made it on the next train back to Station Square, the site of the next challenge.
NOTE TO READER:
Hey the challenges get short from here! Keep readin, bitch!
Challenge 10:
The next challenge would be at Bessemer Court, site of a pretty cool fountain. The task was a mental puzzle... yet one I knew well. With a 3 gallon bucket and a 5 gallon bucket, we were to fill up exactly 4 gallons of water. Try and figure it out if you don't know it. When I helped teach a freshmen level public speaking course, we gave the same puzzle to students to assess their group communication skills. I hauled ass out of the doors of the T to be the first one at the fountain. We screwed up puring the buckets the first time and one team, a guy and his father, finished just before us. Otherwise we made it pretty damn quick and were given the clue.
Challenge 11:
"Find a Fedex truck parked in Station Square... where the hell would we even start to loo- oh it's right there!" The target location was already in sight and we freakin sprinted to this truck, where we jumped into the back to locate a package addressed to our team. Thank you Mr. Fedex Driver for including a shitload of decoy boxes as well. Asshole. I made the discovery after a brief search and tossed the box to the driver for verification and he tossed it back with our next clue.
Challenge 12:
Deliver the box to the address on the label? I feel so used. It wasn't so much an address as it was a location: the Grandview Overlook atop Mt Washington. We darted through traffic to cross Carson Street and board the Mon Incline... but with it being a busy Saturday afternoon the damn thing was filled with toursits. We had a long wait that allowed 2 of the 3 teams in our "pack" to snag a ride at the same time as us. Bleh, we were going to have to rely on our running to break away I guess. At the top we ran hard down Grandview Avenue dodging the crowds of tourists to make our special delivery and be assigned our next challenge.
Challenge 13:
A photographer awaited our delivery and we were instructed to open our package. Haha package... we had to dress in every garment provided in the parcel. A dress and a cowboy hat? I feel like a freshmen being hazed on the high school soccer team all over again. We had our picture taken in drag in front of the brilliant views of Pittsburgh to gain our next clue.
Challenge 14:
The last thing I wanted the next challenge to say was stay in those clothes, but sure enough it was the first sentence of the clue. We had to find a Salvation Army truck parked at the corner of Carson and 10th on the Southside where they'd give us one of those classic red pales and a bell that the Salvation Army officers uses to raise money. You know the ones outside shopping malls around Christmas? We had to do that... on Carson Street... on a Saturday evening... after going down the incline and running 12 blocks from Station Square... IN DRAG. In freaking drag! Being taken seriously while cross-dressing was certainly going to be a challenge. We broke away from the other 2 teams (the Lumberjacks had long since disappeared from our foursome) by running most of the way. It took quite awhile but we started doing well when we figured out who to target: old couples and packs of hot chicks. You'd think the latter wouldn't work at all but I guess they figured our confidence earned us a couple of their bucks they woulda otherwised used to get plastered in a bar and get felt up and essentially raped by tool bags as they puked on their nice new dresses later that night on the Southside. It's like we did two good deeds at once! 20 bucks was the treshold and we hit it.
Challenge 15:
Head back to Southside Works for the next challenge... that's freakin far!! We were both outta juice... we ran only a few of the 15ish blocks we had to cover but hey at least we weren't in drag. Gunz and I went back to our treehouse days of elementary school for this one. We were given a craptastic kit from Home Depot to build a bench to be used in some park somewhere or something. Whatever now we're just the Salavation Army's bitches. We assembled that chickenshit as fast as we could, and although we came damn close to passing another team in the process, we didn't gain nor lose any ground here.
5:30 PM
Challenge 16:
The final challenge that isn't challenging at all!! Run to the Town Square in front of the Cheesecake Factory and cross the finish line. Is it bad I was more interested in getting some cheesecake than I was in finishing the race at this point? But alas, finish we did.
Day 1 Start: 18th
Day 2 Start: 18th
Day 2 High: 7th
FINAL RESULT: 14th
Depressing, no? After we finshed I ran back into the rather attractive Team Terracotta again to learn that they finished 10th. Considering we had been ahead of them over halfway through the race, I'm certain that minus the Great War of One Pound of Rice we would have easily cleared into the Top 10... take out the fuck up down at "Gate-D" too and who knows?
But all in all it was an incredibly challenging yet incredibly FUN experience. It was truly a blast, and we will surely be training hard for next year as well as the Urban Dare and the Warren Great Race. Oh yeah, we're like turning pro with this shit. The good folks at Grass Roots Racing also invited us to start joining in their adventure races, noting that their more attuned to our skills like running and paddling. Perhaps!
I would like to thank Gunz for kicking some major ass, and also thank everyone who sponsored our team. Too many family and friends to even mention! Also a huge thanks goes out to the Salvation Army and all associated parties for putting together one hell of an adventure.
If Team Terracotta or the Lumberjacks are out there reading this, say hello!! It was nice meeting all of you out on the race course, wish we had more time to chat.
Here's to our future victory.
Tally-ho!
-Crash
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